Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, You are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in a studio in Swansea with Little Lloyd Langford.

Morning, Rhod and Lloyd. It's been a great week here in N__ / posty K__ / oh, no, not thesse wretched postmen again / the show / say hello / posty Kev / I saw Lloyd / Thursday / show / show / which / brilliant / your radio show, "Does it get any better?" / これ以上よくなりようがあろうか / I presume that's not __ kind of / presume / not praise / no / just like / should / now then / what / found / the papers / Right. Here we go. / president Obama / I know that one. / オバマ大統領が ... / あ、その人知ってる。 / century / king / able to buy an authentic Scottish haggis for his family / president Obama / Tory chairman, G__, is calling on the US to lift its import ban on haggis / apparently / haggis is illegal in America. / I ... is this true? / Well, I mean, / Western Mail / how dare you? ... I don't mind / issue / some of the newspapers / the Western Mail is a sacred cow in my eyes. ... President Obama hasn't been able to / haggis because / illegal in America? / Well, I mean ... / Is that what you're telling me? / This is what / buy / abroad / yeah / do you know / this explains a lot / I've got some information about haggis. You hold the fort / Really? / Yeah. / stay / I think ... I think ... president Obama doesn't actually want any haggis, but / using / as an example of / difficulty / listen / ... if you're in America ... / listen / I happen to have / ten things / It's true. Absolutely true. Listen / one day ... one day / might come in / like / little box / one day ... one day might come in handy / yeah / I've got / name / over there / within seconds / I've got a filing system that is computerized / I / look at that. What / ten things you didn't know about haggis / ハギスについてあなたが知らなかった十のこと / Right / hang on a second / h ... / haggis is banned in the States. This could explain this / which is one of the funniest facts __ ever heard / in 2003 / this explains it / haven't got / a study revealed / American vititors to Scotland thought haggis is a real animal. / アメリカ人はハギスのことを ...

Now then, I'll tell you what. I've got some ... __ __ nothing in the papers, Lloyd / what about this haunted Apple / on eBay / what? / heard / about / bloke / bloke / could be a girl. Could be anyone / they / got / Probably / these days, eh? / modern world / Apple M__ __ / staggering two thousand pounds on an online auction site ... / Yeah? / ... because it's haunted, allegedly. The seller ... / right / bit / Lloyd / hang on a minute / the details / out of date / but it's haunted / gonna / I mean, __ __ __ help you / if you're looking ... if you're looking for an up-to-date / working Mac ... if that's all you're after / bid on this haunted / old / new / but if you're / haunted / I use a laptop to do / word-processor. I / write any jokes / switching off and on, and ... / I'll tell you what it does. / Right. / Right? "First of all, things started to get weird ..." right? / Yeah / all my songs on iTunes / become scary / haunted / what that means / replace all his songs with / like monster m__ / monster m__ / that kind of stuff / sort / I don't know ... haunting ... minor keys / or does __ just mean / you know, __ b__ songs / b__ song / in the middle of it / yeah / don't know. ... "Second, the desktop background / yes / you know / you know what I'm talking about / yeah / Radio Wales / screen looks like / what / looks / like / looks like / that's your desktop background / usually, it's like a vista, a shot of a beach or something, sometimes / yes / can be a vista / let me guess. Instead of that, / open / up / werewolf. / Well, it says / very vague / very vague / first / all my / become scary or haunted / examples / second, the desktop background / changed to / very vague / ... a scary photo / even say what of. / Right. Then it says ... / computer / quite / I'm not sure I could change / desktop background / do / quite a technologically advanced ghost. / このラップトップに憑りついている霊はデスクトップの背景を勝手に変えてしまう。テクノロジーに強い霊だ。/ just Google it / problem / other search engines / Google how to do it / do / change my / change / think / quite advanced ghost "... Then, to make matters worse / computer started __ing / all right. ... Fair play. / in some cases / would open and shut / as / computer / attempting to speak." it says / What? / lips moving / right? / but then, ..." This is the bit I like. ... Then he says, / then the computer / further / know / yeah / walking through walls / 壁をすりぬけた？ / toilet / comes through / knocking / do you mind / toilet / photo / No. The computer tried to make contact / どうやらその霊が、ユーザーに何かを伝えようとしている。どうやって伝えようとしたか。 / With him? / Yeah. Now, how do you think a computer, a haunted cumputer, laptop, would try to make contact / using it / how, do you think? / send / email / メールとか？ / you think so? / yeah / maybe flash something / デスクトップで何かを点滅させるとか？ / desktop / that / so good at changing / pen / laptop? / Yeah. / How? / I don't ... / grasps / between the keyboard and monitor / almost shut, like a cram / yeah / kinda / clamps on to a pen / elect__ / muscle / clamps down on a pen, right? ... / yeah / up in the air / writes the message / bit of paper / what does the message say? / message probably said something like "I'm gonna have to learn to type" / how / word processer / if you were a haunted computer / change your backdrop photos / quite / setting to do / quite technologically advanced / kids / use / word-processor / or a typewriter / what sort of a ghost / usually ... I mean / obviously / read you this / I've gotta / read you this / may have lived / time / before / quite unaware of the purpose of / コンピュータが発明される前の時代から来た幽霊だと思われます。コンピュータが何をするものなのかよくわかっていないようなのです。 / but / given / positive influence / he's given me / key / garage / What? He's given him / presumably, he / on a brush / sweeps up / no / he __ acting as a crucial sounding board when Barbara and I went though / rough / last autumn / what?

Big / he's got / interesting idea here / right / on the subject of co-hosts and ... / differenciating / between who is Rhod and who is the guest / I love the show / each sentence by saying your name / this is like / a few weeks ago / laugh / say "LOL". / It is a bit like that. ... Rhod / Lloyd: I don't think / OK / Rhod / say something / Go on, then / you can't just / "Lloyd" and interrupt me / like / Henry / game / going for / back in the game / you / Hi / this is a bad idea. / Rhod: Tough.

Have you heard this / sheep / gonna / turned into Wi Fi hot spots / What? / did you hear that story? / No, I haven't / what / doing is making sheep / probably / you know / guinea pigs / 羊をモルモットにして ... / I'm getting confused now / 混乱してきた。羊なの？ モルモットなの？ / sheep is a guinea pig in this story / この場合、羊がモルモットだ。 / Right. / So ... / making / wi-fi hot spots / and I suppose / after that / cows / Wait a second. / deer / like, um ... / like / d__ / transmitter or something into a sheep? / wall / modem / I don't know / read on / the article, Lloyd / to / sort of / electronic device in to a sheep / a group of / university / with too much time on their hands / 暇を持て余しているとしか思えない / Well, I don't know / wouldn't that be good / livestock / internet / no, mate / all that nonsense / 牧場ではネットにつながらなくたっていいじゃないか。 / walk / go / with / sheep / out of range again. / いや、便利かも知れないけど、wi fi 圏内に入るためには羊を追いかけないといけないの？ / Well, then, / as well / if you / follow / field / Well, of course / near the sheep / the same / house / internet / sheep out there. Perfect. / It's just ... I don't understand / Well, let me read it to you. ... "... professor Gordon Blair / ゴードン・ブレア / ゴードン・ブラウンとトニー・ブレアの交配種か？ / professor Gordon B__ and his team / either that or hibrid / goal keeper and a dancer / or could be / it could be H__ G__ / Lynda B__, from The E__ / it could be / it could be / and, uh ... / B__ rabbit / B__ rabbit isn't / it's / oh yeah / desparately / other B__s / witch? / could be that / I / see that / teenager / were convinced / genuine footage / No. / Yeah. / You and your mates __ __ __ __ Port A__ / cause / how old were you at th__ stage / I don't know. I was like 15 or whatever. I / my friend / marketed that way / found / first one of those films / marketed / way / based on __ true story / something / that kinda thing / actually somebody's hand-held camera / credit / come up / has / characters / actors playing / it is an actual ... __ true documentary / you __ ahead of your time in Port A__ / anyway, professor G__ B__ / get back to / trying to get / better wi-fi / all in the name of / better / ladies and gents / police arrived / when the police arrived, professor Gordon B__ / just / wi-fi from / sheep / we know your game / trying to get wi-fi, officer.

This is the voice of Rhod, and I'm with Lloyd / Hello, I'm Lloyd / he's Lloyd / Are you a real man? / top / should / real / how much of a man Lloyd is / play along at home / man you are / or / the more / get wrong / more of a woman you are ... broadly. / I know / there __ other qualifications / other people out there / you know / feel free to adapt this / whatever suits your circumstances. Um ... so, first, / Do you know your wedding anniversary date? / that / hang on a sec. Let me read / for this. ... "Researchers / 50 things / every real man should know. ... Study of 2,000 adults found every man / you should / able to / you should ... yeah, ... "a real man should know his wedding anniversary / without having to pause to think. You should / name at least / England / kind / looking for / OK / gonna / time / too many. 50 here / buzzz / I am not married. / Right. So, you are a woman. / ... A single woman. / This is / single ... yeah. You are a single ... / start / I guess / the only way is up from here / you've got 49 more / it doesn't say how many you've got to get / would / shall we say, more than ... / 25 plus ... / OK / equals real man / 正答数が 25 を超えれば本物の男と認められる / so, if you get / less than / male impersonator? / ということは、25 に達しない場合、お前は何だ？ / 男のフリをしているヤツ ... かな。 / male impersonator. OK. / No.2 / so far, you're a single woman / heart beat / どっくん、どっくん、どっくん ... / Basic DIY / a bit subjective / when you said "yes" / thinking / get up a ladder / that's very very basic DIY / again / all / advanced / very / hammering. ... I can hammer. / ハンマーかな。ハンマーは使える。 / Can you? / ウソだな？ / No. / ウソです / So, basic DIY / go / down / hammer / say / you're still / right / how / change / light bulb / yes / are you sure? / Yeah. ... Switch / use / how adept you are with that / then / have to check / screw / Exactly. That's the thing. / OK. Go on. / just / said / no wonder / differenciate between / 誰がしゃべっているのかわからない、とリスナーが文句を言うのもわかる。 / presenter / light / bulb / screw / unscrew it / yeah / upwards / and twist / he's good / erotic / all / remove that one / yeah / and then / fit / sure / something else? / それは確かに電球を取り替える話なんだろうな？ / corresponding / tick that for you / No.3 / how to tie up a tie / now then / real man / can / normal knot / go on, then / tie / with me now / you've seen me wearing a tie before. / No, I haven't / I'm sure / bring me into this. / I'm a dispassionate by-stander / nothing else / nothing else / clip-on / you / bottom lip / very odd wedding, ladies and gentlemen / Lloyd / only / he was naked / clip-on tie on his / 裸ネクタイ / can you read a map? / Yes. / can you? / Yeah, I'm all right / reading / how well / train station / Google map / down the street / do you know all about / look / map and go, "Oh, OK / point / latitude and longitude / do that / I'm / very rarely / latitude and longitude come__ into it / can you read / properly / or / I've never done that / cross. ... Do you know your partner's favorite drink? / Yes. / Tick. / suppose / what it is / I can check / what is it? / alcoholic or non-alcoholic / favorite drink / because / cup of tea / isn't it / or whatever / you don't even know / alcoholic or non-alcoholic / her favorite drink / you don't even know / non / gin&tonic / alcoholic / which / favorite drink / if / problem / tea / got a problem / she's got two problems. ... Tea, you're saying? / yeah. / OK. / tea. / very milky / does she like milky tea / does she? / how / do / go / milky tea / I don't / just / you need to get rid of her, mate. If you are a real man, you / dumped her by now. / お前が本物の男ならとっくに ... / next / dump / ティーにミルクを大量に入れる女 / No. / You are not a real man.

ok / shirt / yes / yesterday / and everything / end / arms / people / any complaints / there / all right / bad example / shirt / job center / show / OK / tick / ok / how to change your tire / No, I can't do that / OK. Cross. / how to wet-shave correctly / do / how / don't be so ridiculous / I'm not being ridiculous / this / have a good breakfast / your strength / a few days before the wet-shave / I always / start eating / blueberries / in fact, a couple of months before / I / good / good / from / shower softens up the skin / makes it easier to shave / I realize that / why / wet room / the day before / how far back / local spa / soften up / ridiculous at all / shower / before / shave / guarantee / correctly / go with this / first / shower / how ridiculous / All right / agree / big fat / You're still on 4 points / right / to use / What? / know / after-shave / yeah / well / on your palm / that is what to do with after-shave. / 使い方をきいてるんじゃない。量をきいているんだ。 / well, you wanna know / you / only / to be a real man / of after-shave / I've never / know / never / made / tipping / tea / 5 mililitters of after-shave / possibly in six months / five / after-shave / per / day / after-shave / I would only recommend that if you are / if you are a dog / smell of dog / walk __ly / human beings / nobody / don't be ridiculous / five m__s a day ! / so much / you / on your palms / your hands / tea-spoonfull / grooming rituals / right amount / would you accept you've failed that? / how to change a fuse / ... No. / remember / even / I remember / failing / GCSE / I mean / fuse-changing? When I was / school / math / English Literature / fuse-changing / I mean, it was part of / physics exam, I thing / was changing a fuse? / thinking / just needed / plug changed / yeah / also / do that / GCSE / physics exams / painting his house / 先生の家のペンキ塗りをして物理の点数をまけてもらった / could you do that? / garden / get / house / wouldn't you / over ... over the fense / suppose / five mililitres of after-shave / Do you know / say this / this / me / this / 50 things in the paper / real man / I'm fine / let's cross that one out / very sexist / 49 / 4 out of 12 / OK. / how to put up a shelf / no chance / do / no / Right. ... / How to polish your shoes / real man / polishing / don't tell me / GCSE shoe-polishing / that's not / badge / giant brass shoe / on / I think / wooden / like / plaque / shoe-polisher / shiniest shoes 1994. / Seriously? / Yup. ... / we are doing / charity / gig / trying to help / got to get that down / auction / I want / shiny shoes / I'm not / you are / auction / and I'm buying it. ... You __ __ __ let's have a look at your shoes / Uh, not these ones / Tick / shiny shoes / award-winning / award-winning shiny shoes, ladies and gentlemen. ... 15: How to / confident / wipe / hands / earlier on / toilet / not to do this show / I'm not shaking your hand then / somewhere / confident / take my word for it. / Yeah. / six / out / of / 15 / not / do that? / Good. 6 / half a point for that.

how many inches / foot / １フィートは何インチ？ / 12 / apparently makes you / OK / do / accept / defeat / and when to apologize / 負けた時は負けを認め、謝るべき時は謝ることができるか？ / Yes, I guess so / ridicule / after-shave / ridiculous amount / accept / give you a point for that. / do you / to apologize / after-shave / good / do you know the off-side rule? / what / really / now / how else / check? / when / ball is played, the ... / striker has / the player / attacking player / helping / can't be behind / as / between / two / I think / right / ladies and gentlemen / unless / him a point / 9.5 / England / why / real man / shut up about it / was 1996 / look at Lloyd. Look at Lloyd / giving / other / same time / stolen by a dog / no / point / found / which was it / makes / dogs / congratulate them / civic / Pickles / where / find it? / I don't know / I don't know where it was, actually / how / cup / what's the story? / stolen from a press conference / Right. Who stole it? / some / like / I think / realize / enormity of what they've done / well / abandoned it / some guy / dog / found it / it wasn't like / specifically / sniffed out / different one / Pickle sniffed it? / pickle / slightly misleading /

20 / own laundry / how / what / I've got to check these things / willy-nilly / yeah / honestly? / I do / reds and blues / and / blues / put / in / washing machine / yeah / select / temperature / put powder / for that / forget the powder / everyone / detergent / bobs your ankle / bobs your anckle / stuff / as well / good / how to fix a bike puncture / never / do / do / how to / you / plaster on, basically / it's not / no / not / if you cut your arm / see where the bubbles come out / do / you / 男試しその XX。自転車のパンク修理ができるか？/ やったことないよ。/ やり方は知ってるか？/ そんなの、ひじをすりむいた時に薬を塗るのと同じでしょ。/ すると何か。お前はひじを水につけて空気がぶくぶく出てくる場所に薬を塗るのか。 / imagine / imagine / long enough / put / 5 millilitres / bubbles / out / chalk mark / around / face / do / bike puncture / remove / spoons / tire / you don't know about that / get / this is the last question / 22 / jump / you can't even drive / on / 11.5 / out / more / point / you are, Lloyd, equals / real man / you / currently / every co-host / male or female or otherwise.

and, don't forget, right now / rhod / series / catch up on __ iPlayer.

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